I haven't updated in the past few weeks. I haven't written in my hardcopy journal for almost as long. I'm learning a very important lesson now: put on your "big girl" panties and do what you have to do.
This semester, I've seen how absolutely passive I am with the situation with my boyfriend, my feelings about the whole situation, how I've let it affect my school, how my mom might feel about the whole thing, and how things will work out this summer. I've got to take charge and do what I need to do!
I always see things as happening to me with no recourse I can take to do take care of it. I'm used to people telling me what to do, but now I'm technically an adult and responsible for myself (not completely, but at least in some capacity). When people dictate your life you can blame other people. When you have to make serious decisions, you are responsible when the crap hits the fan. But what about when things go really well? How am I supposed to feel about that?
I've also been really worried about school. I spend more time worried about school than studying (100:1). Also, I keep feeling that I can't do this even though everyone around me tells me I can. Background: I've been a chemical engineering major for the past 4 years. I've hated the past 2.5 years. I would change majors, but ít's to late, so I'll just add another: physics. It's closer to what I want to do in graduate school anyway. I've done relatively well in ChemE (3.4/4.0), but I hate it with all my being. (lol)
Anyway, I'm taking physics now, and I'm scared. I'm easily intimidated (another thing I can deal with), but everyone around me encourages me that I can do it. Honestly, at this point, I feel dumb. In high school, I didn't feel this way. I tied for the highest standardized test score at my high school *ever*. I was in the top four in my class. How did I go from so confident in myself to not confidence at all? Who did I listen to?